Tired of Trying

trying to remain hopeful when situations prove otherwise

Check-in from Seaford.

I’m finally down on the east side of Melbourne. I’m weirdly excited to be down here. I still have yet to see a kangaroo. Soon. It’s starting to get cold here can I just say I like island weather all year round. I’m ready to go up north this summer because I can’t deal.

Your rainbow is coming.

The other day I recorded some moments, and I end up saying this in one of them. Despite the storms that have been brewing my rainbow is coming. Hardships aren’t forever I like to believe. Even though I think 5 months is ridiculous just send prayers.

It’s getting harder to accept the reality of some future here long term. It’s Sunday night as I’m typing this I keep going back and forth with the idea of a future. I mean between just keeping a roof over my head, and food. I haven’t truly enjoyed life here. I’ll have some good days. Gratitude.

I’ll go out, and be reminded why in the long run i won’t be here forever. I wanna go back above the equator preferably when it’s warmer. I really still wanna pursue my other goal of backpacking. I wanna see the world.

Maybe all this moving is preparing me for this lifestyle I’m wanting to live. Also fall isn’t fall here. I miss home. I would love to visit again. I’m American, and maybe to American at times. I mean it’s where I’m from.

I miss it.

I also got to go to a new beach today. It was pretty windy. It was also freezing. I’m missing Texas winters. I would love to have a Texas summer at this point. I still think Williamstown is my favorite then Altona beach. I also was getting a lot of stares. I think the people in this neighborhood aren’t used to seeing black people.

I finally did my hair. It turned out better than I thought it would. I don’t have photos. What I do have is a fur friend. His name is Rufus. He’s a puppy.

Tired of Trying. I’m ready to leave Australia. I’m tired of trying with no reward. I’m exhausted beyond repair. I want safety. I want stability. I want joy. I wanna be able to go to the mall, and buy myself a dress because I deserve it. I want a normal everyday life again. I want the foundation again without the walls crumbling.

I want.

I escape to the past by reminiscing because thats when I was safe. I play old songs to remember a time my foundation wasn’t threaten everyday. I’m hitting a wall because I’m done with people telling me soon. You said that 3 months ago still nothing has happened.

I’m tired of being tired. If I had to describe my internal space I’m the girl in the corner of the room scratching her hair. I look disheveled with papers on the floor crying. The money not being enough to make ends meet. Somehow there’s a small rainbow peering in through the window of that broken home. I am optimistic by nature.

I am trying to keep hope.

I am back. Even though this week was a little chaotic. I feel better. I think it’s okay to let myself be unhappy at times. I am still planning to leave this country eventually.

I also did a reading for someone in person. It was heartfelt. I cried. His grandma made me cry she was genuine and sweet. It’s sometimes crazy how the universe will surprise you if you just wait.

This is the first time I really took a picture with braids. I wasn’t going to post, but next week is supposed to have some sunny days. Hopefully I can get out make some cute videos with makeup.

Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready.

Be Well, Being